Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
