So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
