Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
