and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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