I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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