turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
