peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
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