dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Randomize
