Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
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