Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
