If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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