My Higher Power is John Stamos
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Randomize
