a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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