hell yes lets make some ravioli
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Randomize
