So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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