Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Randomize
