I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
