I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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