i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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