everyone is single if you try hard enough
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
