Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
