You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
