i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
ttyl tear gas
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
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