When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
