i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Randomize
