oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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