i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
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