Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
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