yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
