Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize