dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Randomize
