LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
