I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Quick, to the slutcave!
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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