thus making me awesome and them whores
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Randomize
