I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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