I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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