Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
