Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
