I wish I could punch you in the face.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize
