He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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