$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Randomize
