Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
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Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
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