How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
