Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Randomize
