mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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