Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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