how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Randomize
