She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
