i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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