You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
We just shotgunned beers for America
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
