like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
it's like iHOP with fire
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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